September, my New Year

Oh my! It's been ages!!! And to think how many things I've written up in my head while showering or driving...or sitting on the couch, yikes!

Anyways, while I've been doing all those things mentioned above for the past 4 days due to a flu break out at work (I'm still a nanny), all I can think of is, "I love September!!!!"

For me, September means the older kids go back to school (the older the kids, the more work they tend to be), the germs come out and I, who have been off camping, traveling, and "socializing" all summer get the much needed break to get my life back in order :)

I usually expect the first big sick leave aka total infestation of hundreds of children who have lost all sense of hygenie after summer break, to occur closer to Oct but this year the germ gods have smiled on me!! Not only has my break come early but so early that I only had one day with each family I work with...only two days work total. That means, by the time the schools came down with flu, I had already dodge the bullet and was sitting at home sweet home. Don't get me wrong, I feel for the families I work for but doesn't everyone wish to get that early morning call saying "don't come in," times 4? All the while thinking "haha, suckers, you didn't get me sick!"

So, enough said about germs! My real point is, I have had the last 4 days to clean, organize, workout, paint my nails, and even load my trunk with goodwill donations! I feel like I have done all my summer chores in these few short days and I am ecstatic!!! I will admit some the of cleaning and organizing was a bit terrifying, having know idea what I might touch next. So much so, I had to text in support from my sister to finish I did.

Tuesday, my love and some friends will be moving my bed, king as apposed to his 1980's tube water bed, and a sectional hideabed (also replacing a sofa that has seen better years) into our apartment. It will be a workout of muscle and brain, as we live in a smallish apartment on a hill, with multiple corners but I can't wait (i won't be doing most the lifting). It's almost like moving into a place that is "ours" not "his w my cat and me."

And the toppper on this cake? This afternoon I will be going up the hill to pick up my 2nd order of farm to table produce. When I get home and open the box, it's like being 5 again and opening santa presents, except now I see delicious dinners with my love, my health improving, and my money helping local farmers. I've been told I may be just a little crazy when it comes to this kind of thing but living in Seattle...i'd be crazier if I didn't take advantage, while improving lives at the same time!

I guess it's safe to say that I am high on life and I want to shout it from the rooftops (but my neighbors already think I'm a little weird), so thanks for sharing my September!!

Let the planning begin!

Ok, so I have been trying to get back into the swing of things..Eating healthier, excersising, taking time for myself, getting organized, you know...all those "it's a new year, lets get it right this time" kinda inner-cheerleading going on. It's been going well, not perfect but well. I've been pleasantly surprised been how quickly I've not only seen slight results but how much better I feel inside. And with those pleasant feelings comes this "Ah, I could skip my workout today...I've been doing so well!" and "Why don't we just order a pizza tonight....I've been doing so well!"

Well, today came the motivation I need...an email from my best friend asking her bridal party what weekend we are going to be hitting Vegas for her bachalorette party! Is there anything more fun than a weekend away from everything with the ladies who know you the best?!?!?! Needless to say I am so excited, however we have agreed on early August which means...time to get tight and toned. As a joint Maid of Honor (with the third of our Musketeer group), it is with great seriousness that I pledge to look so damn fantastic, our wonderful group of hotties will not be paying for drinks (hotel and airfare is enough of an expense right?)!

I am not usually one of those ladies who get all dolled up and wear 6 inch heels just to bypass the lines and get loser to buy my drinks, however, Vegas is another story...when a VIP bottle service starts at $450/bottle/per 3 guest...I'm OK with letting some drunk fool chat it up and spend ten bucks on a beer for me.

And besides all the drinks...I certainly need a lazy-river ready body.

Oh, Vegas...get ready b/c here we come! and by that I mean Yoga Mat...here I come! ;)

Only me to blame for the funk I'm in!

So I am having a day...a really really trying day. I'd say bad but in an effort to stay positive I'm using "trying."Honestly, if I had read my horoscope this morning I believe it would have said something like "find nearest rock...hide!" or "not even a pot of coffee is going to help this morning." Wish I had gotten that notice before I started my day!

I have just spent the last 1 1/2 half on the phone trying to fix a problem cause by none other than myself. I have this lovely way of overlooking problems until they are such a mess there looks like there is no way to resolve them...at least I do this as far as my super personal things like finances or health, the things that really don't involve others. Today it is the darn bills again.

I feel like I am on a treadmill of neverending debt. Stupid thing is, by the time I am ready to "get real" with my budget I'm always 10 steps behind and once again I find myself saying "what the hell happened?" even though I know exactly where my mis-steps are.

I've been a rainbow of emotions over the last few hours and am so glad to be home now...hidden in my little cave. What I'd like to do is celebrate biting the bullet and handling some biz by sitting on the couch and crying over how frustrated I just was. However, I know a much better way to get passed the blues and find my center again, before my man gets home and gets a pile of female nerves/hormones....

YOGA!!!! Day 6 I believe?? In any case, it's starting to kick in and I think I'm getting on track in at least one area of my messed up crazy life!

Thanks for the venting session...hmmm yoga and venting oh so good for the soul!

I want the old me back

Ah, why is it that when you fall in love one tends to gain weight? I mean sure I get that you are happy and really, what the hell? I fall madly in love and my exercise and eating habits go right out the window.

When I began here, I was just around the corner from some major events...being in my sisters wedding, going on two sunny summer trips, moving in for the first time ever with a boy...I mean man (sorry baby!). I was a bundle of nerves and extra motivated to workout daily b/c " had so many people expecting so much of me." I have to say when I look at the photos from Mexico and see myself all swimsuited up I actually don't cringe. Sure I could critique a few spots here or there but overall I'll admit I am pleased.

Fast forward 6 months and man, i don't even want to look in a mirror let alone have my picture taken. I'm having trouble fitting into my "comfy" aka my oldest and most worn pair of back-up jeans, not to mention the super cute and way overpriced jeans I snagged from my boss who was Goodwilling them. My muffin top could now be called a donut. My thighs just may sound an alarm when I walk into a room. The only good thing that has come of my recent situation is my boobs are big and growing by the week...I often wonder why I even try to wear my f-ing bras as my chest is spilling out of them anyways.

So perhaps I am exagerating a bit (well, not about the boobs) but I am so sick of myself!!! Thankfully my loving hunny has been great during my tantrums and crying fits as we have been getting ready for all of those holiday events one attends in the recent past months. He's helped me find outfits in my closet that mask my shame. As the New Year rolled around he even went as far as to say he'd start eating better with me.

I love cooking, I love cooking for my man, I love cooking with my man. We've started tackling dinner together, he's the protein master, I work the veggies/starch/sauce gal. We are keeping each other on track with water...I don't think either of us would reach for it if there is anything else to grab. I've been taking my vitamins again (the cold I currently have doesn't bear witness but I swear I have been). And the icing on the cake??? I've begun yoga again.

I kinda strayed from my daily morning 20 minute circuit of abs, arms, legs, bums. I didn't do my squats when brushing my teeth (30 morning and night). I popped in Netflix vidoes rather than my yoga VHS (yes, I still have a few of those). Curiously this all happen shortly after summer travels and weddings, around the time the sky turns gray and rains for 6 months, and yet I find myself looking in that mirror and shaking my head. "How did this happen?"

So like I said, diet is going back to veggies and lean meats, rice over Pasta-roni, EVOO over butter, water before beer, cofffee cut off at noon, cooking at home vs eating out. Also, my exercise is coming back, although I find I am slightly relucant at every turn, I have done yoga the past three days in a row. Squats are back (hopefully soon my butt will be too), a couple weeks and counting. Now I just need to get my walks back in and I think I will be good as new.Or at least as smoking hot as when my boyfriend and I fell in love.

Wish me luck!

Sorry for the absence

So here I am again, after months of being away...In my mind I am writing everyday and reading what others have wrote and feeling a sense of womanly connectivity but in reality....I've been sitting just feet away on the couch, scared to even glance at this site.

Unfortunately some of my early posts have hurt the ones I love the most. I started out here writing like this was my safe haven, being able to re-live the past and in doing so, enlighten myself on the future while shutting those demons behind the doors of my words once and for all. I write to find closure and clarity, to express to the world the fears I hold inside(change), the mistakes I am too guilty to share(my dad's death), to rejoice in the silly things only I see the joy in(yoga!).

I have learned that why I write is very different from why others may write. I have spent months wondering how I could satisfy my own need to express my inner thoughts safely, while avoiding hurting others..i.e my main squeeze (yes, I'm still with my man and so happy!).

Here is what I've decided, my intent is never to hurt others but to heal and encourage myself. If I write something that may be painful to someone else (about my past, or feelings, or any topic of the day)....I wonder if those same people could stop and imagine the pain it caused me at the time I had that experience? Or maybe it will just show another dimension of my being that will help someone else understand me.

All in all, I just can't bring myself to apologize for needing an outlet, a place of my own, a place to be me and have others accept me. I love my life, and all the special people who I hold near and dear to my heart and I know that those same people want me to be just as happy as I want them to be.

If writing down a few sentence is all it takes...I won't give it up (and I think all you slightly offend out there find you're glad I didn't either.)

Can you hear me?

Dear God,

I'm desperate...I think quite possibly my life is crashing down around me and I'm not sure what to do. I've had troubled times before and somehow you always help me through but I'm not seeing you this time...where are you? I'm having trouble sleeping, worried about my car being repo-ed in my sleep. My parents are getting calls from creditors, my job options seem to slip right through my fingers, my friends feel a million miles away and most of all I feel so out of control. I feel like I am trapped on a human hamster wheel.

Don't get me wrong, I thank you for bring my boyfriend into my life...he is the only hold i have to my sanity these days. And thank you for allowing my sister to find true love and get married just last week. I appreciate that I have frozen pizza in the freezer and enough cat litter to get through the week. I realized I do have it better than so many, and I do try to keep that in mind and heart.

I just wonder if you have a plan for me, or if this is it...to lose everything I have worked my entire adult life to achieve.

Please understand I am not doubting you...I'm just looking and listening really hard to understand what it is I am supposed to be doing now.

Isn't there any way I could just get a little hint? a glimpse? If nothing else couldn't you just send a clue that you can hear me...and that as always, things will work themselves out?

If only for today

Today is my undoubtably my least favorite day of the year. June 18th is a date that will forever reopen emotions, fears, and my deepest darkest secret regrets of my life as of yet.

13 years ago to the day I watch my dad die before my the young eyes. Without warning, in the middle of a average conversation between my dad and I, each of us in the kitchen getting our things together for the next day (me...last assembly of the school year, he, another day at work) when he stopped mid sentence. He looked over at me, just a mere three feet away, said my name, grabbed his chest and stumbled backward over a chair.

Regret #1: earlier in the evening, he and I got into an argument over a "missing" pack of cigs, at the age of 14 I thought it best to lie and say I didn't know anything when we both know it was me who took them. He didn't press the issue and I just left him angry and probably pretty disappointed that I would lie to his face.

As my dad hit the floor of the kitchen, legs still in the air over the chair, I paused in shock/ confusion then tore down the very short hallway to where my mom and one of my older sisters were talking in my parents room. I can't be sure if I screamed or yelled or more likely whispered but I just remember saying "dad fell, he fell..." I was told to run across the street to our neighbor who happens to be a local police officer and good friend of the family, my sister raced to the phone (why hadn't I thought of that??? regret #2) and my mom to my dad.

I ran with all that I could across the street, the only thing I could think of was that I was in my new white socks and how was I going to get the stains out. I could hear my mom screaming my dads name as I pounded on the door, again only able to mutter...he fell, my dad, please help.

Regret #3: I had recieved my CPR card from my health class just two days prior, I had aced the test even though I had been terrified...knowing in my heart when crisis hit I would be the one to panic so it was rather pointless to even take this first aide course. I was right, I ran from my dad rather than do all the things I had just learned...call for help, start CPR immediately, stay calm, give as much information as possible...I will forever hold myself personally responsible for what happened next due to my slow moving ways.

I wasn't allowed to go back across the street, I called my best friend who lived 4 houses down, I called my other sister who was out with her b/f. I sat in shock, so embarassed that my neighbors son (whom I had a huge crush on) was sitting there watching me slowly lose my mind, letting the silent flashing lights wash over me from the window.

My sister (the one who had been out on a date) walked into the house shortly after I was told that my dad would be fine by my neighbors wife. She didn't say a word, just looked at me, and I said (while holding my best friends hand) "you don't have to say anything as long as he is ok," and that is when she said it...the words that are branded into my brain..."he's dead L, he died..."

I don't know what happened next, somehow I managed to find the bathroom and just starred into the mirror and cried. I didn't hear anything, and I can't recall feeling or seeing anything either. It was as if someone just put a glass over me...no one could get in and I wouldn't let myself out.

I was eventually (at about 3 am) allowed to go and sit with my dad before they took him away. I wasn't allowed the five minutes alone that I so badly needed to tell him I was sorry, I instead was watched over by some coroner. There was no denying it, my dad was gone...blue tinted sking, bloated stomache, just laying there with a sheet over him...for some reason there were two dots of blood on the sheet for reasons I still don't understand. They had emptied his robe pockets and what items he had on him and  had the contents on the table next to my dad...his pack of cigs with the lighter on top, his watch, his glasses.

I took the watch (however, I secretly wanted those cigs), and said my good byes. I stayed that night at my friends. We went to school on time like always. I walked into my first class and finally let the night hit me.

I had lost my dad, he would never be back and I would be alone in the world from that minute forward. Never again having the love of the man who was my world, never hearing his voice, or getting a note from him.

Years later and it isn't any "easier." I might cry less, I count the years instead of days and months, I smell his cologene on another man without wincing but easier it isn't for me. I am a grown woman and all I can say today is...I want my dad back, if only for today.

I suppose it doesn't help that his anniversary always falls on or within days of Father's day.

Sorry to be a downer but I do thank you all for allowing me a moment to remember and try yet again to forgive myself for things I will never be able to change or forget.

Which came first???

I have been noticing more often these commercials for medicine of all sorts of things. You know, weight loss, allergies, penis disfunction, pee-pee issues, and the latest one I saw last night was one for eyes. Apparently, some people aren't able to create enough tears on their own.

I just kinda chuckled to myself, thinking, really....50 years ago did anyone even know to complain about low tear counts to their Dr's? How would one know that they had less tears then "normal?"

For that matter I began thinking, how did we get to be SO dependent on medicine as a "cure all?" I do understand that sometimes you just need an antibotic ( personally, I have at least two sinus infections a year and usually a case of strep...thanks to my nanny career) or pain killer after surgeries. But really...do the medicines work so well that one doesn't mind all those never-ending side effects list at the end of the commercial?

I just have to wonder, who were the people who started to think that we needed to live on a diet of pills? I'd love to say the drug companies but where there is a demand...the companies will meet the needs....and make sure to keep it coming.

I'll be happy as long as I can on my handful of daily vitamins, tons of fruits and veggies, and keeping physically active.

Week Two and a half

Just a quick update...I think that my yoga is actually paying off!!! I will readily admit that my arms/sholders have felt tight lately and that my knees don't need as much of a bend as they did two weeks ago to reach the floor. I've been kinda keeping to myself about how great this is making me feel...the spending 45 minutes a day just breathing and taking time to relax and at the same time tone myself up for the season.

Since moving in with my boyfriend I have found myself constantly feeling pressured to "perform," and I know I am the only one putting stress on me. I worry my man will be slightly disenchanted with me now that he sees me first thing in the morning, or after a major PMS acne breakout caused by the total food binging which causes that awful bloating, or here's me snoring due to my intense allergies. He just keeps telling me he loves me and I just keep accepting it...except deep down I wonder if its sincere, jaded by my past insecurities.

When I get like this I find making time for me is the best...time to improve myself in the areas I worry I am lacking. Hence the yoga, actually hence the need to blog it out to you ladies. I often find myself feeling guilty when I turn down an offer to do something because I have scheduled "me time." I need that time, in fact I crave it.

Last night, after feeling particularly bad for not working out for two days (I have a killer head cold and as mentioned above...serious allergies to the damn air I breathe...well the pollens and what not, go figure). I was stressing about the wedding I will be in in 5 weeks, worried about the swimsuit I will be living in in 6weeks in Mexico, and then blam-o, I got invited to a Tahoe 4th of July...my time line has been drastically slashed timewise.

You know what my boyfriend said...without prompting?

"Biscuit (my nickname), that yoga is doing great things to you...I haven't been able to keep my eyes off you, and I thought you couldn't get any better."

Be still my heart...maybe he really does love me and truth be told, I really love him! *and yoga....only two and a half weeks!!!!

My motivation is going out the window...

In July I will be a bridesmaid in my eldest sisters wedding out in small town MN and then heading home to literally, do laundry and repack my suitcase for Mexico with my boyfriend and some friends. I wouldn't say I need to lose weight or anything but I am feeling the pressure to tone myself up.

My other sister (this one is in the process of a much needed divorce, unfortunately that leaves her to be a single mom to a very energetic tot) and I have invested a few hours walking...talking all the while about how we need to get hot for the summer and all the events that will be taking place or we are hoping will. We consider these walks a good form of exercise and a much needed therapy session. Lately we have been formulating new ways to achieve aforementioned "hotness" such as workout videos/ gyms/ WII Fit (my personal fav of all ideas but too broke to consider)/ and of course the always popular "fat flush" or detox/ cleansing. I'm all for being healthy, trying new things, and taking advantage of my youth so I am always game...as long as I have a partner in crime to help me stay focused.

So far, my sister got the WII Fit, I took all her workout videos, we both decided gyms aren't our thing (I don't need the pressure of all those eyes watching my weak self trying to lift weights), and well...she is all for a crazy diet for two weeks (I guess I'm game...as long as it isn't a budget cruncher).

I've been doing the yoga video almost everyday, going out for walks (which include a one mile straight uphill hike home) and getting back into cooking for myself instead of letting my boyfriend take me out all the time (which I can't say I really mind either).

I've gone a whole week and a half like this. I think "they" say that it only takes two weeks for something to become a "habit" so I am really close to ensuring that I will always reach for the yoga mat before the next episode of The Hills comes on. I actually have been excited to get home to an empty apartment and sneak in a workout before my b/f gets home (knowing he's on his way motivates me to hurry it up so that I still have time to take a shower).

The past three days we have had a heat wave in the Seattle area. I'm talking 70 when I am driving to work at 8 am. Anyone who knows anything about Seattle knows a.) the summer doesn't begin until after July 4th and b.) that once July 4th comes, we can expect highs of 80 during the afternoon....not this crazy 92 degrees while stuck in stop and go traffic crossing the 520 at 4pm. I don't want to complain but I don't do well with "extreme" heat...kinda makes me pass out in fact.

On that note...I will be reaching deep into my soul to find the energy to get that mat and get my sweat on. I only have a few hours til the latest RR/RW Duel challenge is on so I shouldn't waste time but...thanks to all who read this for indulging in my ten minute escape from my plans to work out...just writing about thinking about being lazy got me motivated!

My reason for being crazy???? Men

I need a little feed back from the ladies to help me gain a little perspective on myself.

I am starting to think that I am damaged goods for a relationship I got out of about 2 years ago. I was with this guy for almost 6 years (a little on and offing through out). When I first met him through a mutal friend I knew for a "fact" that this was the guy for me. He was so handsome and charming, young at heart (oh wait...we were 18), carefree, motivated, smart, and on and on. I had eyes only for him.

unfortunately he was in a relationship so I waited him out for about a year, I forgave the fact that he rebounded from that break up with my then very close friend, and rejoiced when we finally snuck away from a party...ditching all his friends to have our first night together. The rest is history...

WE were perfect, all our friends envied us. We lived by a lets live our own lives while being a part of each others. The trust was unbelievable, the friendship neverending, the passion so strong. I felt like a queen and I knew I  could do no wrong by this person.

Of course, as all good thing do,2 years in, it started to crumble. I can't tell you what happened, I just became a 2nd or 3rd to whatever he was doing. He'd come over at 1 or 2 in the morning to spend the night, sleep in while I went to work and be gone when I got home again. He started ignoring my phone calls, or when he'd answer, he'd "one side" the conversation to make it seem like I was screaming at him on the phone while his friends were around.He'd cancel plans...that is when I was able to get him to commit to anything. He met my family only a handful of times, regardless of the fact that I see them at least once a week.

By this point however, he knew me too well. We had spent two years sharing every secret and being each others confidants and know I was stuck. His insults stung to the core...you know the ones that just stop you in your tracks. He would use all my shortcomings and fears to his advantage and make sure I felt so low I wouldn't think of leaving. It was mind-boggling to me that my best friend was now my enemy. I couldn't figure out what I had done to make him flip such a switch.

Eventually, his brother let it slip that my bf had gone ona road trip with his ex. I confronted him and he admitted she was with him, but denied most all the rest. I would later get the "truth" or at least enough of it to hate him...however, in fear of looking like a fool, I stayed.

I stood by my men at a huge cost to my own well being. I became that crazy girlfriend. I checked his phone while he slept, emails, recently deleted documents, glove compartments...if you need any tips, I'm your lady. I always found something, letters to his female "friends" with the most inappropraite thing, porn that made me wonder if it was even legal age girls, condoms, you name it...I saw it.

I confronted him time and again, he always had answers/excuses, and I was to down on myself to see it wasn't me but him. I clung to the idea that he was still my Mr. Perfect even though there was nothing about him I loved anymore. After all those years I could let people know that I hadn't been able to make it work.

Obviously at some point we ended things. I really want to say it was me and I told him to get the hellout of my life but the truth is, he got a job in NY. We "decided" that it just wasn't working and it would be better if we just took this as a sign to part ways. We stayed in touch through email and random phone calls every few months.

Kicker... I stayed with his brother (same informant as earlier) while I was in between apartments and roommates, in exes room...only to find out he moved to NY not only for a job, but also to move in with his lastest fling. HE MOVED WITH A CHICK!!!!

Let the crazy begin.

That was all last year. Now I am dating, actually the same guy that introduced me to ex, and due to economy and me losing my job I am staying with current boyfriend. But here's the thing, although this guy hasn't done one thing to make me think he would cheat, I'm finding myself getting a little "crazy" again. I want to check his email and phone and I want to peek around the corner to see what it is he is watching while he thinks I am sleeping. I know this is all in my head but it is eating me alive. I can't help but think that he is just going to mimic the behavior of my past.

Short of going to a therapist, or alienating my boyfriend by sharing my crazy side...what do I do?? I know I have no right to rifle in others business and it's goes against everything I believe to invade others privacy but it is taking all my will power to sit at his computer (which we now share) and not check his history. Will I ever be confident enough in myself again to not think my man is looking for something elewhere?

I hate my ex for turning me this way, but I blame myself more for not walking out when I was strong enough to.

God give me the strength to love the person I am as much as I love all those around me!

love my sisters

At what age does one grow up and realize that the best friends they have are the siblings that they have?? I am the youngest in a family of 4 girls and my sisters and I are like night and day. Not just when it comes to our appearance but our personalities and man, I love them.

I remember times when growing up that I could think of anything better than finding a way to be rid of them. All the spying, and bossing around, the ratting out to the parents, the clothes stealing and my personal pet peeve....when they would take my subscriptions and read them before I ever even knew they were in the mail. My sisters and I always loved to bicker, to compete, to be the "good one"...I failed there miserably (no thanks to my sisters telling on me).

The deal is, these same tourmentors are now my best friends. The ones who don't judge, give advice unguarded, listen to the tears, laugh just as loud at the same things. These ladies helped me become the person I am and I want to thank them.

Life is just better for those who have sisters...God's little gift to us, a built-in lifelong friend.

How lucky I am

Where is my handyman??

I believe strongly in the art of personal hygenie. Things like showers no less then 4 times a week, wearing clean clothes-as in not crusty or visibly "soiled," brushing teeth, just the basics.

Personally, I can admit that I am a slight germaphob. I cringe when people sneeze near me, although I try my hardest not to move...it's not their fault that all I can invision is their germs flying throught the air at an incredible speed. I wipe down my shopping carts, I wash my sheets weekly in HOT water, I second guess eating things that have fallen even onto the countertops (yes, my own included, I have a cat so nothing is safe) let alone the floor.

I figure the good news is that I can recognize this and keep it in check my pushing myself to use a public payphone (no cell phone or house phone as i have no real job), shaking hands with the new germ ridden stranger I encountered out with friends, letting the Sunday funday crews dogs lick my hands w/o immediate washing.

I just need to share with some one how much my new living situation is pushing my limits here. So far we have a kitchen sink that has about ten dime size rust holes in the bottom due to long ago negligent Drano use by roomie bf, this means dishes must be hand washed in a plastic tub. Before I go any further, let me mention that the faucet in the kitchen....if turned on fully, will turn a nasty rutsy color and be worthless and the hot water takes about 15 minutes to heat up on slow running water speed. Back to tub dish washing....we must use tespot boiled water wash, go dump dirty water in tub/toiliet/bathroom sink (not a good choice, the latter, smallest sink ever), re-boil water, rinse dishes, dump, yada yat. OMG what a hassel, but totally do-able and much quicker with practice and time.

I thought the kitchen was going to be my nightmare but it only gets worse. Before I ever came to live here, I had stayed the night and used the shower, always noticing how slow it drained as I stood in 4 inches of murky dirty water. Since my few weeks here, I have bought two Drano-like products, both for extreme clogs (one was even one of those "power shot" ones) due to the fact that my bf and I have been having to alternate shower days as the water now takes a full 24 hours to drain. Yesterday while "power shooting" the damn thing, the only result I got was black crap coming up from the drain and not one drop of water going down. And we are now at 6 inches of "water" if we can even call this concoction of dirty water and nasty drain shit.

After I so nicely went and picked my bf up from work ( he would normally take the buses but due to our location sometimes the rain is just not worth withstanding for the near hour when a ride is only 10 minutes), I mentioned the tub situation, yet again. Once more he said "yeah, I better call my landlady to get maintance on it."

It only took one glace at what our showering future looked like and he was on the phone. At any moment, I should be getting the knock of an angel who will come in and make my clean dreams come true....only issue is he's already an 1 1/2 late.

Biting my tongue

The past few days I have been feeling a little guilty for being so hard on my boyfriend/roomie in my previous post.

I'd just like to clear the air...my man is great, and with all the changes that were flung on him (turning his bacholer pad into a home for myself and my cat, as well as himself) he has been so understanding. I think I got a little ahead of myself with worries and lashed out at him, so to all my fellow readers/writers, please accept my apology at being such a "bitch" when posting the other day.

Isn't that just typical...woman blames man...thinks it over a few days...chats with friends...realizes she overreaccted...will keep realization to self. Well...it's not like men need any more reasons to say "told you so."

I jinxed it

So I did it...I totally jinxed myself. I just wrote about my new roomie and well...he just shocked me with his total double standard...

For the past few nights, I have gone to bed early as I had to "work" aka babysit early in the morning. I have not said a word to my roomie/bf about how loud he listens to the TV. I haven't complained about his stomping around on the hardwood floors. Didn't peek out when he is slamming his fingers on the damn keyboard so f-ing loud one might think that he was intent on breaking the letters right off. Microwave beeping...nothing. Beer cans popping open...silence.

Breathe, breathe....on man...super needing to scream...

After he has been in bed for not even 20 minutes reading (yes, that is before me for the first time), I just walked past the bedroom after using the restroom and he called out "baby" in that meek, pathetic, just love me voice...giving me a glimmer of hope that he was hoping i was going to joining him...nope...

"Can you turn the TV down...just a (motion with fingers on air dial)..."

Tonight I will chalk this up to my pms-ing, but honestly? Why are guys so off and on?

New roomie

So things are on the "upswing" of life. I have parted ways with aforementioned roomie and have now started a journey on the path to sharing a homeife with another person.

I am one of those people who really enjoy my own time and space. I think that being the youngest of 4 girls...I have always just cherished those few moments where there isn't a soul around. No high pitched giggling, no parent request to clean this or put that away, no one requiring me to answer the phoine/email/door instantly. Please don't get me wrong...I love to be around others and being social, however to be my best I just need those times alone. Who doesn't love to channel surf at their own pace, or sit around with nothing but undies and slippers on, eating cold pizza at 9am or 3am?

I have been living on my own for almost 8 years, only two of those 8 have I resided in my very own apartment. It was amazing to come home each day and know what to expect...dirty dishes, bills, laundry. I was always able to watch whatever I wanted, eat when I wanted, shower when I wanted...I think we all get where I am going AND we all know that those things are all negotiable with roomies in the mix.

I have all a litany of "bad roomies." All things that could go wrong did...bills going unpaid, indoor baby (I mean cat) being let outside, waking up to boys you've never seen before above your bed, and yes, Cops cops cops...or rather sherrifs in my case. I know no one is perfect and I really don't hate these old roomates but I do hate the idea of roommates. It just has never really worked out for me, I guess I should consider that maybe I am one of the "bad ones," however that seems far fetched as I somehow am always dubbed house mom.

Anyways, I think my newest roomie may be the key. I might have a change of heart by the end of my stay here. In all fairness, I have been offered a place to stay while I am transitioning and due to my total life melt down I accepted without hesitation. My new roomie and I work opposite schedules for the most part, both enjoy having things picked up, love coffee in the morning and a beer at night, watch the same shows, and to pleasure in the little things. It's only been a few weeks and I am sure I will have some complaints but sometimes you just know when it's a good fit. I've spent days trying to figure out why it is that I feel so much more comfortable in this situation then any of mine in the past (including the brief stint with my two best girlfriends....all under one roof, not the best idea). All I can come up with is just one blairing fact...my new roommate is a GUY!

Who knew guys made such great roommates...and of course, they come with 80% less drama, maybe even 90%

My airing of grievences

Each Sunday, by that I mean most, a whole group of my b/f's bar "family" go out to brunch at a local bar. Although I am aloud to attend, I am not currently a "family" member...I am just a g/f of one. Mind you I have now been hanging with these same people for almost a year...on a couple days a week basis. I understand, they aren't my best buds but really don't feel like I should still be feeling like I am trying to rush a frat. Anyways, there are about 6-8 that show on a regular basis and of those,5-7 of them get to air their grievence for that week. I mean, the truly wait all week to be able to tell this tid bit of info with these very outstanding citizens (heavy sarcasm here). I will also ask you notice the number is minus 1 of the total...yes, thats because I am not invited to air...I am still rushing after all (damn frats, I knew there was a reason I didn't go to a 4 yr...that and I'm able to join a frat due to being a girl and all). I know it might seem trival but honestly, don't we all have a little something we would love to get off our chest?? That jackass that almost killed you on the freeway, getting off work late and without so much as a thanks, your mom called and guilt tripped you again about being a failure (not that any of this has happened to me but...just saying is all)?

I want to air a grievence too! Ya know, just get it all out and never have to think about it again? So I thought...maybe I'm not the only one who just wished I could vent an annoyance and be done with it.

So on that note...here is my grievence of the day: My roomie and I are parting ways to go live with our b/fs, We have til the 30th but we both are just planning to be done with it this weekend. I've been packing for weeks and separating our dishes, towels, food and whatnot. To make a long story shorter, she came home today to pack her kitchen things and pretty much accused me of stealing not one but 2 identical bowls that belong with her dishware set. A.) I have never stolen anything in my life and B.) she took the damn bowls months ago but is a little dense and doesn't remember it at all (apparently she didn't like "seeing stuff in the them" when I used them a fruit bowl once). Anyways, it stupid and petty I know, I just can't stand it when I am accused of something I didn't do. And besides...I have my own dishes...in fact three "daily" sets and 3 set of china....I don't need nor WANT any more.

Ah, it feels better already...anyone else have anything??

Snow...you ain't ruinin my weekend fun

OMG!!!! Please tell me we aren't really having snow this late in Febuary. It's like a ongoing nightmare this winter. I love Seattle, I love the rainy days, and the green that insues but I hate freezing temps! This past Dec I was to spend my first holiday season here in town since my parents moved cross country 8 years ago. I was thrilled the first days of snow, but honestly, how many days can one person be trapped in their apartment before insanity starts to take it's toll? I hiked the 6 miles to and from my sisters house just to have that "family" time that the holidays are all about in my world. I didn't complain when my bestest ladies had to cancel or drastically alter their travel plans. However, todays deja vu is just about enough.

Luckily, this time around the Birthday girl has already arrived and Ms. Fab #2 is en route to the airport as I type. Can't say that the dark skies looming out my window are very encouraging but I'll just ignore those for now. I guess that one good thing is that I was able to get a somewhat reservation at the the Tequila bar where the party shanagins will being what could be a very troublesome weekend for us three ladies. Hopefully this snow will kind keep other patrons at home so we can really enjoy ourselves....I can't believe I just said I hope the snow stays (at least the bar is only 2 miles away, but it could be the end of mini-dress wearing dreams for the evening...heels and little coverage really make for a miserable Ms. Purple).

So on that note, wish us luck this weekend...who knows what stories will come of it. I will say that my last trip to SF i ended up flat on my back on a city sidewalk with Ms. Fab and her man right there with me and as you can imagine there wasn't even a drop of snow...or rain anywhere!!! How we all fell over is still a mystery to the three of us, snow and one more lady just means  we really need a padded room to survive this weekend.

Wake me when its friday

What is it about fridays that makes the world better? I'm not a morning person or a Monday person but I will always jump aboard the idea that Friday is the blessed day. I mean, I understand that for most the population Friday means the last day of work or school (for those younger folk...ahh, if only i could be one of you again) but the joy is so short lived. By the time I go out and celebrate the arrival of Friday, I'm all to soon reminded that with the start of the weekend, comes the inevitable fall back to Monday.

This Friday however is no different for me. I've actually been counting down the days until this very Friday for weeks. As it happens my two BEST friends are both coming home to celebrate the birthday of one of them. We have been friends since we were 6...meaning we have know and loved each other for 21 years!!! As we've grown up our lives have sent them packing on wild, real-life adventures, one to SF and the other to the windy city. These two girls are like my sisters (although I do already have a few older blood related sister) and having them so far away has been one of the hardest adjustments in my adult life. Anyways, totally side tracked there, the deal is....after all my counting of days to reach this Friday, I am already dreading the fact that Monday will come and they will pack up and leave again. And whats worse is they haven't even arrived yet!

My beloved friday...I can't wait to see what trouble you get me in this week with my favorite partners in crime, however if you could do me and the rest of the world a favor...fire Monday!

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel???

So you can call me a complainer or say that I'm negative but the truth is life has beaten me down. Everyday I wake up thinking, "the worst is behind me...for sure," and then of course my day begins and I nearly want to slap myself silly for even thinking I've conquered all the hurdles. This morning at 5 am I was awoken by a light streaming into my room from my roomate starting her day. When I went out later on in the morning (when more reasonable people get up) I find a note, and not a nice one at that, informing me that I am responsible for the cable box/remote monthly fee...me and me only am to pay this portion of the bill. Now before I tell you how much this please keep in mind I recently (like 10 days ago) got laid off and am really in the crapper when it comes to finances. Here goes...as my face is growning hot and my heart is pounding with anger, she is unwillingly to split this "portion" of the cable (please also keep in mind she asked me to call and get these products b/c she likes the comcast guide button...no joke) b/c I have a DVR box I pay for myself....drum roll please $5. Yes, thats it $5 and she can't bear to share the burden. I have bent over backwards to please this girl who isn't even around %85 of the time, not exaggerating, and she has to leave me a note at 5am to tell me to eat this added expense.

I know it really isn't a big deal but in the same regard...it isn't that big of a deal. My life is way to hectic to worry and argue about $5 but honestly, was any of this even needed?? Other than to make some one who is already feeling like hell, feel worse. So tonight, as I sit in the apartment, alone of course, I am just going to breath and remember one of my favorite qoutes..."I promise myself to be so strong that nothing with disturb my peace of mind."

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest...anyone with roomates, I know you understand. Where are all the drama free ladies to co-habitat with?? Let tomorrow be better than today, please!!!!

What Next?!?!

I'd like to say that I have the best life ever but lately it seems any and everything I touch turns to crap before my eyes. In the past two weeks, I have lost my long term (6 years) job, have a collection agency calling every 5 minutes and my cell phone completely fried itself. I truly am on the verge of pulling all my hair out...which I might be able to sell being a natural red-head and all. Somehow through all my insanity my sisters and "guy" friend have stood by me and given my just enough strength to know that there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. They have even encouraged me to take all the bad luck I've been racking up and change the path my life is on. I'm not one for change or risk taking, especially when it involves weither or not i will end up on the street. My family has that uber-positive outlook on everything, you know the kind...the ones who smile at their boss as they are being laid-off, or have a holiday party even if it means in the hospital due to a sick little one. I've been trying to breath in the positive they are emitting, and I think that for the most part they are buying it, but as the youngest in my family, I'm not so quick to see the bright side. I guess I should just be thankful that I have them to cheer me on cuz god knows that this next week of job hunting is going to be hell.